Day 12 Round 2

So far, this round of chemo has been a little more difficult, mainly in the ways of stomach cramps, fatigue, and general loss of appetite. I can't really complain, but it definitely makes me miss the times of feeling healthy and "normal".

Sunday, I went over to Woodinville to get out of the city and run errands and ended up also buying Remi some clothes at the Oshkosh store. I love buying her things, especially clothes and shoes. There's something that makes shopping for little kid stuff that's just so much more fun than adult things.

I've never been much of a shopper for myself, but there's something that gives me comfort in buying Remi things at the moment that at least give me the feeling that if for some reason I don't make it, she can look back on a picture one day and say..."that was from my mom". It's a strange feeling that even though Remi and I share a close bond, I know she's at an age where she won't remember me if I disappear from her life. That thought is both terrifying and comforting for me, as I wouldn't want to cause her any extra pain, but I would want her to know how much I loved her.

I don't mean to get on the sad stuff. Things are going as well as they possibly could be right now, and I'm generally in a good mood. It's just, these are the thoughts I consider on a daily basis (at least while I'm on my own going through treatment). I've been struggling a bit, settling into the idea that treatment is almost half way over since my final round of consolidation should be finished up some time in July.

I guess this struggle is all part of adjusting to the various stages of cancer from diagnosis to treatment,  remission and survivorship. I feel like hardest part for me is... when am I actually considered a survivor? I may have survived the first induction and consolidation rounds, but if it comes back, did I really survive? Maybe I'll survive again if that was to happen, but it just feels weird to think about.

This morning, I came to the SCCA clinic for platelets, my first needed blood product during this round of chemo. I knew I needed them a couple of days ago when my gums started bleeding while simply brushing my teeth, and then yesterday I went to do some eyebrow maintenance and ended up with a couple of hairs that started bleeding when I plucked them. Now I have a couple of red spots above my eye that probably won't go away until my blood counts come back up on their own, but I guess that just adds to my hardcore "don't mess with me" look. Hah.

Not that they're always a sign of leukemia, but the red spots are medically called petechiae (pronounced pa-tee-kee-uh) and are considered to be a symptom of leukemia, because many people with leukemia experience low platelets and low red blood cells with a high white cell count. I remember when I was using WebMD to diagnose myself, that not having these little things were, in my mind, my only hope for not having leukemia. As it turns out, sometimes leukemia doesn't present itself in this manner, which was my case, as I had very low red blood cells, normal platelets and elevated monocytes, which are a white blood cell. If you Google images of petechiae, don't be alarmed. Mine have never shown up like that, and I don't know that they actually do.

This post was a bit all over the place. I've been struggling a bit with what to write because although I still feel positive about everything, a lot of the things I think about tend to be pretty sad. I guess if I'm being honest with everyone, I should share those thoughts too. My hope is that if I do share these thoughts that people will understand that it's just all part of the process and just because I have something sad to talk about, it doesn't mean that things aren't going well or that I'm not still feeling good. Overall, I'm happy and (almost) healthy, and there are so many good things in my life now which extend far beyond just my pack. I am also so grateful for family and friends and even people I don't know that are on my side and helping me fight this battle.

They're kicking me out of the infusion center now, so have a great day and I'll post more soon!