2017 was going to be my year. Was it? Will I not know it until years to come? Or, was it really not, and it actually brought on the suck and I'm just trying to rationalize it all? Can the suck of it all bring greatness? Was it really not that bad, and I'm just having a few bad weeks? Regardless, I've had a rough few years and while I keep putting one foot in front of the other, telling myself I have to stay strong and positive, I'm having a pretty hard time right now. 

I haven't posted much in the past couple of months because it's tiring. Unless it's to kill time, I'm not on social media that much because I see all of these complaints about things that I'd "love" to have- "problems" that people have that I'd take any day over taking 40+ pills, having a swollen face from being on high dose prednisone that isn't taking my skin GVHD away while it's eating away all of my leg muscles, making it difficult to walk up a flight of stairs, being able to see my kid grow up instead of being away for 4 months and seeing her for a few days every few weeks, having a glass of malbec with a medium rare steak or some sushi. I'd even love to be up for hours at night with a squishy baby and be utterly exhausted, but none of those are in the cards for me right now and some won't be or a long time, if ever. I'm not trying to minimize other's problems (they're all just as intense for us at the time as things I go through), but for once, I'd just like to have a normal day where the only thing I can bitch about is that my coffee wasn't made quite right or my hair isn't laying the way I want it to.

I was supposed to go home for Christmas because things were going so well, but the Tuesday before Christmas, I developed a fever and had to stay at UW Med Center until Friday while they figured out what was going on. I had some fluids and antibiotics and by the time I made it to the hospital, my fever was gone, but they needed to find the underlying problem. That Friday, I had a bronchoscopy that showed I had a spot in my left lung of aspergillus, which is a naturally occurring fungus that we're all exposed to, but people with normal immune systems can fight off. I've been on infusions of ambisome to get it to go away, but having this infection bought me another 2-3 weeks in Seattle. They'll do another chest CT on 1/9 to see how things have progressed and at that time, a plan will be developed to go home. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm thinking there's a possibility to be home the following weekend if the infection is gone or substantially decreased. 

I just really want to go home. I feel like I've been here so long and I need to get back to my house, my family, my friends, my (now) only dog. I need to be able to work out again, do some things I enjoy and just live for a while. I generally always have goals and set some expectations for the new year, but 2018 is blank to me. I still can't visualize what it's going to look like. Maybe I don't really need to. I just want to take each day in and hope for the best. Everything is going to be a work in progress for me and that's ok. In 2 weeks, it'll be 2 years since my diagnosis. It's been a long 2 years, full of some good times and hard times, a flood of memories comes back to me, although I live a lot of them everyday. Here's to hoping that 2018 is a little easier and slower for all of us. Eat the cake. Focus on health, not the number on the scale. Enjoy more experiences with the ones you love and tell people you love them. Just be and be present.