Real Life Stuff

As I approach what is hopefully my last round of chemo coming up in 2 weeks, it's difficult not to reflect on the past few months and how much my life has changed but also stayed the same. Although each round of chemo comes with it's own issues (infections, fatigue, pain), I have been fortunate enough, that for the most part, I have been able to take advantage of the good days and I've attempted to rest on the bad days. 

One aspect of having cancer that just doesn't go away is the emotional side of it all. Not that we get to escape our emotions when life is somewhat regular, but you get what I'm saying. Despite good days and bad, the fact of the matter is that having cancer and going through treatment is extremely lonely. What is even more alienating is that although I know I've learned a lot and have obviously changed and adapted throughout the year, I feel defined by my cancer and viewed in a different way by nearly everyone I encounter, including family and friends. I get it. I really do. However, the core of who I am as a person has not changed. Most days, I feel well enough that I forget that I'm even going through all of this, and sometimes, it would be nice if others forgot about it as well. 

It's interesting to me that the person I feel the most connected to and who accepts me for who I am is Remi. To think that one of my biggest fears when I was first diagnosed was that she wouldn't recognize me and that she wouldn't be able to love me because of the ways our relationship would be forced to change, now makes me feel slightly foolish. From day one, she has stood by me- grabbed my long hair, rubbed my buzzed head, and brushed my new hairdo, usually with a smile on her face. Watching her run around like a wild child, play hard, laugh, cry, and love reminds me to believe in myself so I can kick this thing and be there for her in the future as much as she has been there for me. 

I haven't written lately because I've had too many sad thoughts to write about, and let's face it- there's enough sadness in the world right now. Most days, I'm generally in a good mood, but as you would probably imagine, it's tough not to get down a little after going through 6 months of treatment already and looking to making it through the next 2 years cancer free. It's like...man, I feel like this after just 6 months, what will things be like in 2 years. I'm sure things will change (hopefully) with the more removed I am from treatment. Interestingly enough, I still feel very confident in my body's ability to fight hard so I can make it out of this mess alive. I really do believe I'm going to make it, so don't think that the sad thoughts mean I don't think I can do it anymore. Please just bear with me as I try to figure this next phase all out. Until then, any prayers, good juju, or positive vibes are much appreciated. 

(no hating on the life jacket situation here- I was holding her and we were in about 6" of water)

(Backyard Swim Time)

(Looking all fancy for out to lunch) 

(Playing in Helena)

Update 6/24/16

Starting chemo right before Memorial Day made for a long 3 weeks. During the last week and a half of the round, I really didn't feel well at all, with a fair amount of nausea and stomach cramping. I also had some pretty bad headaches and just felt tired, and I had some problems with pink eye again for a couple of days. It took a while for my counts to bottom out, but I ended up getting 3 platelet transfusions and 3 blood transfusions. This stuff happens every time and generally, I feel better after I get in what I need. 

I go in to the doctor in Missoula again next Tuesday to make sure everything is tracking well and to talk about what is hopefully my last round of chemo which at this point, is scheduled to start on 7/11. I thought I had 2 more rounds left, but I'm really hoping that this is it. It's not that doing the chemo is that difficult. Some days are pretty rough, but it's no worse generally than having the flu. It's just, each round is so unpredictable, and the infections that I have had, are somewhat unique and I just never really know how things are going to turn out- will it be easy, or will I be miserable?

The next couple of weeks off should be nice. We'll be heading over to Seattle for the 4th of July and later that week, we'll be meeting up with some friends in Yellowstone. I'm looking forward to both of those trips.

Life in general has been somewhat boring, so I haven't updated in a while. Getting away from the cancer stuff, it has been really great to spend extra time with Remi, especially since it seems like she's growing so much every day. She's always had a lot of personality, but interacting with her and showing her new things and seeing her curiosity is really great to me. She is such a chatterbox and although most of what she says is "Remi language," it is really fun to be able to communicate with her. Some of her favorite things to say are "da ball!", cheese, shoes, bye bye, hi, Daddy, dog, "more, peas", brownie, bunny, P, "Bapper," Cookie, Elly, etc. When the dogs bark, she likes to follow them and say "woof woof woof!" Seeing her personality develop even more and seeing her learn new skills is just plain awesome. 

Nap time is over, so until next time, I hope you have a great weekend and weeks ahead!