Krutzpack: Moving on after AML: Real Life Stuff

As I approach what is hopefully my last round of chemo coming up in 2 weeks, it's difficult not to reflect on the past few months and how much my life has changed but also stayed the same. Although each round of chemo comes with it's own issues (infections, fatigue, pain), I have been fortunate enough, that for the most part, I have been able to take advantage of the good days and I've attempted to rest on the bad days.

One aspect of having cancer that just doesn't go away is the emotional side of it all. Not that we get to escape our emotions when life is somewhat regular, but you get what I'm saying. Despite good days and bad, the fact of the matter is that having cancer and going through treatment is extremely lonely. What is even more alienating is that although I know I've learned a lot and have obviously changed and adapted throughout the year, I feel defined by my cancer and viewed in a different way by nearly everyone I encounter, including family and friends. I get it. I really do. However, the core of who I am as a person has not changed. Most days, I feel well enough that I forget that I'm even going through all of this, and sometimes, it would be nice if others forgot about it as well.

It's interesting to me that the person I feel the most connected to and who accepts me for who I am is Remi. To think that one of my biggest fears when I was first diagnosed was that she wouldn't recognize me and that she wouldn't be able to love me because of the ways our relationship would be forced to change, now makes me feel slightly foolish. From day one, she has stood by me- grabbed my long hair, rubbed my buzzed head, and brushed my new hairdo, usually with a smile on her face. Watching her run around like a wild child, play hard, laugh, cry, and love reminds me to believe in myself so I can kick this thing and be there for her in the future as much as she has been there for me.

I haven't written lately because I've had too many sad thoughts to write about, and let's face it- there's enough sadness in the world right now. Most days, I'm generally in a good mood, but as you would probably imagine, it's tough not to get down a little after going through 6 months of treatment already and looking to making it through the next 2 years cancer free. It's like...man, I feel like this after just 6 months, what will things be like in 2 years. I'm sure things will change (hopefully) with the more removed I am from treatment. Interestingly enough, I still feel very confident in my body's ability to fight hard so I can make it out of this mess alive. I really do believe I'm going to make it, so don't think that the sad thoughts mean I don't think I can do it anymore. Please just bear with me as I try to figure this next phase all out. Until then, any prayers, good juju, or positive vibes are much appreciated.