I probably should have written this post a week ago, but I'm still trying to process the good results I received on my last bone marrow biopsy. I feel extremely thankful and grateful to God, family, friends, and the people I don't even know that sent the good juju and prayed for me throughout the past months.
This is the first week in the past nearly 8 months that I haven't had 1 or more doctor's appointments to attend, and I have to admit that even with all the relief the results brought to my life, I feel lost. I think this probably just goes with the territory and occurs with all of life's major changes, but rediscovering who I am and who I want to be feels overwhelming. I feel like I have a second chance at life and somehow I need to make the most of it. Previously easily made decisions have become slightly more difficult and sometimes I feel myself second guessing things, trying to ensure they turn out perfectly.
In the past few years, I've gone through some pretty major life changes...graduating college, moving around for work, getting married, having a baby, somehow surviving cancer. It's a lot- a whole lot.
In a week and a half I'll also be 31. This time last year, I was I was the 29 year old facing the big 3-0. Everyone who has turned 30 knows how that feels. It's sort of a monumental right of passage- like, you're legit, but people over a certain age still see you as being too young to have experienced official life events, and the college kid that you once were not too long ago sees you as old balls. Don't get me wrong, being 30 has it's perks, but the things I was once worried about with turning a new decade older seem so trivial and now it's like, I want to grow old. I wish for the laugh lines and wrinkles that come as each year passes (although they don't have to come too soon!).
I guess what I'm saying is that I feel grateful for this second chance, but overwhelmed that somehow I've escaped the cancer death for now. It's almost a constant feeling of "how did this happen to me and how have I been so fortunate?" I feel a need to do something to benefit the lives of others with this opportunity I've been given, and I'm hoping that the path ahead allows me to create something great for others while allowing me also feel a little more whole.
The first 4-6 months of being in remission are generally the riskiest time for leukemia to return. The past few months I prepared myself for this high risk time following treatment, however, it was great to find out that this time actually started when I was found to be remission in February. I unknowingly made it through the most stressful "will or won't it come back" feeling which is pretty awesome. From a time standpoint alone, the doctor said my risk of the leukemia returning is around 20%, and this chance decreases as more time passes. I'll go to Seattle for bone marrow biopsies every 3 months for the next year to monitor everything, and while I'm not so excited about going through the procedure 4 times a year, it's a good feeling to know that if anything changes, we'll be able to catch it quickly and there's a plan in place if anything happens.
This weekend, we're our van, Purple Haze, on her maiden voyage to Grand Teton National Park. Pictures and hopefully some exciting news to come in the next few weeks.
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